Everyone down in this part of the country is on hurricane watch. Gustav is in Louisiana and Texas, Hanna is now heading for Cuba and Tropical Depression Nine just became Tropical Storm Ike. I’m certainly getting a meteorological education. After all the hoopla at school though, all I can see is rain. Lots and lots of rain. If not for my good buddy, Stella Stargate, life would be very dull indeed.
So, the first week of school is over. This week was one of those weeks. One of those weeks where I felt out of sorts and quiet and homesick and lonely and excited and crazy and angry and upset and mean and sad and happy and tired and weird all week long. All of these emotions and I couldn’t make up my mind which one I wanted to be. I hate that. By Friday, I felt physically and emotionally drained.. New places, faces, food, work, experiences…all very well and good, but all very exhausting.
Sometimes this week I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. All throughout high school, I had a pretty good self-image and identity. I knew who I was and I was proud of myself. Occasionally, I’d discover something new about myself, like I really don’t like olives, or I don’t get that nervous when singing in front of people. Then my self-image would shift a little, as would my worldview, but all would settle and I’d feel normal again. Or whatever passed as normal.
But this week, I’ve gone through so many changes. I’ve made new friends. I’ve lived in a new place. I’ve monitored my own time. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed. I’ve run through sprinklers at night. I signed up to tutor in third grade math. I’ve seen “Rent” and “Stargate” and I’ve liked both. I didn’t try grits, but one person can only go through so many changes in one week. I’ve been myself, but I’ve also become a completely different person. So much character building, so much time in the courage zone. All wonderfully terrible and terribly wonderful.
My homesickness has come and gone in waves, as has my confidence. So far, everything I’ve wanted out of college has happened. I wanted to see if I could live so far away from home and feel comfortable, and for twelve days, I have. It feels like I’ve been doing this for forever. I know this is not yet the end of the road; nor is it even the middle. But I can do this. I don’t think I can; I know I can. And that has made all the difference.
I know I will change and grow so much this year that my beginning of the year self will probably hardly recognize my end of the year self. But I hope to still remain the same at heart, with the same dreams and ideals I had on August 22. However, the words of Anaïs Nin ring true: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Here’s to blossoming!
P.S. For another look at life on the hill, check out Stella’s blog: http://adrodia.wordpress.com
“… You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” – E.L. Doctoron