The year is almost over–three more exams and about 3 1/2 days. And it feels like I’ve been at school forever. And by forever, I mean since the beginning of time. I arrived at school about the same time Noah was building the ark. Or so it seems. To some of my friends, it seems like just last week, we were moving in and learning the lay of the land and realizing that caf food really isn’t the best food you’ve ever had in your life. But to me, it seems like I’ve been here for much longer than nine months. So, in honor of those incredibly marvelous months, I would like to present the last list of the year:
What I’ve Learned in College (More or Less)
- We are all Michael Phelps.
- Beans and sleep are necessary for your health.
- How to throw surprise birthday parties without the object of the celebration finding out.
- Taco Doritos exist and they are good.
- How to read my roommate’s mind.
- How to throw food in someone else’s mouth
- Work orders do absolutely nothing.
- You don’t need air conditioning to survive…just to be in a good mood.
- Bees like to hide in umbrellas.
- Your friends will try to pick you up from the airport even if you aren’t there.
- What a Bacchus is.
- How to read facial expressions…or not.
- RAID stains your curtains.
- You can name anything…even a heater. Or a microwave.
- One-legged kitties.
- Koko loves baby.
- We just had a moment. It’s passed now.
- If it’s a great story, you should always tell it again.
- Naps are good.
- Everything can be connected to the time-space continuum.
- How to imitate prominent yet ridiculous politicians
- Anything and everything is a joke.
- Anything you say is dirty.
- Dogs can get herpes.
- Placenta is good for the hair.
- It is never okay to flash your friends.
- Your teachers don’t just notice when you don’t come to class; they notice when you don’t go to breakfast.
- It’s okay to stalk people you don’t know and give them nicknames based on physical characteristics and social mannerisms.
- You can never have too many napkins.
- Never roll down a window when someone is in danger of falling out of the vehicle.
- Every birthday will be fully documented.
- Vegans should eat honey.
- Your roommate may beat you with a baseball bat while you sleep.
- Sluttony is the college student’s trifecta of sins.
- Your friends will always support you.
- When in doubt, talk about Israel.
- College is like a small town: everyone knows everybody and everybody’s business.
- Pot holders are not flame retardant.
- Jews have all the fun.
- People with emo tears do exist…in the person of big, beefy men.
- Chickens don’t just live on farms.
- When in doubt, tell people your name is Prudence and that you are from Chicago.
- When you’re watching a movie, the nail polish comes out.
- If a student is suddenly quiet, she is depressed, she is homesick or she was raped.
- Pillows fights are only fun when you make people think you’re naked.
- No matter how much candy you have, it will be gone before you know it.
- Weatherology is the study of weather.
And last, and most importantly…
We’ll always have Walsh.
Yes, all inside joke, all really great memories. L’chaim!
“The things taught in schools and colleges are not an education, but the means to an education.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson