So, I wrote a cracked out fairy-tale…

Disclaimer: One day I wondered what my life would be like as a Disney Princess. Three hours later, I had this on the screen. Carry on.

THE PRINCESS AND THE THREE RIDDLES

Meet Princess Susannah. She’s obviously not a Princess yet, but she will be. In the future. Ahem. Moving on. Princess Susannah lives in the forest with her father, who is, of course, some kind of hunter/woodsman type. Not important. Susannah is all happy in nature, doing some healing with wild plants, gardening, reading, and just generally hanging out with her animal friends.  She also has three fairy friends—Linnea, the one on the left; Myrtle, the one in the center; and Hazel, the one on the right. I think you can guess their personalities from their names, but just in case I’ll describe them a bit. Linnea is very peaceful, Myrtle is kind of crotchety, but kind and Hazel is all happy-go-lucky. They’re all besties and they have some good times.

So, this is Princess Susannah. In the flesh.

And then something bad happens—her dad gets mistaken for an outlaw, he gets a serious injury, the trees are dying, something like that—and Susannah has a problem. But she is a real woman, and decides to fix it by herself with some help from her friends. So she goes on a quest of sorts and has some misadventures, until one day she’s in a village during a festival and she dances with some handsome stranger and they are all: LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. YOWZA.

How rugged and handsome is he?

But they get separated when she has to dance with the town butcher and he’s got to dance with the butcher’s grandma, and then a kid gets separated from his mother and Susannah has to help him and the handsome stranger loses track of her and OH NO (but this is a fairy tale, so don’t panic, I’m sure everything will end up A-OK.)

Anyhoodles, so Susannah and her friends keep questing for the cure to the Tree sickness or her father’s injury, whatever it is they’re looking for until it’s storming something fierce, and they’re wicked tired, so they end up at this castle. And because the Castle People are awesome, they let Susannah stay for the night. And LO AND BEHOLD she enters the Great Hall and who should be there but THE HANDSOME STRANGER. His name is Prince Christopher (natch) and he’s eligible to be married. Of course, the fairies are all a-twitter, and Prince Christopher is delighted that Susannah is there. But Susannah is like “MY TREES ARE DYING! HELP!” and the fairies are like “He’s cute! MARRY HIM!” and they are at an impasse.

Turns out, Prince Christopher is eligible to be married, BUT whoever wants to marry him has to answer three riddles in three days because his fairy godmother Mabel said so and she is also the Queen and his Aunt and she is totes in charge, and he has to do what she says because otherwise he won’t inherit the throne.

Queen Mabel, the Fairy Queen is the shiz.

And Chris really wants to be King so he can make the world a better place, etc.   And Susannah’s kind of interested in Prince Chris, but she is more interested in saving the trees back in her home forest village-y place. But the Queen really likes Susannah, better than the other peeps, especially LADY AUDRINA, who is a Class A BITCH. Seriously, she’s mean to everyone and is kind of Slutty McSleepsaroundalot. We know she is evil because she wears lots of orange, and who does that? NO ONE BUT EVIL PEOPLE. She’s probably friends with mermaids. Lady Audrina got the first riddle right on a lucky guess, and she thinks she’s hot shit, but Susannah is here now and she is a THREAT. So Lady Audrina plans sabotage with her army of toads. And ferrets. (It’s not really an army, she just has a pet toad and a pet ferret.)

Lady Audrina, the evil bitch. Seriously, who wears this much orange?!?!

Well, Susannah goes on to figure out the first two riddles because if she wins, the Queen will tell her how to save the trees, and Audrina figures out the second one too and they have to wait until the Full Moon to have the Final Riddle-fest-apalooza. So during this time Susannah generally endears herself to the rest of the castle while Audrina plots and schemes to make her look bad, but it just ends up getting her ferret almost ironed by a scullery maid and Susannah only loses a shoe, but natch, she’s cool with being barefoot. And Christopher really hates Audrina and really loves Susannah and is like “Queen Aunt Mabel, why can’t I just choose?” and Mabel is like “Because I SAID SO” because she’s just making sure Christopher is going to be a good ruler or something ridiculous, although she is really a cool lady. Like QEII but she only wears purple.

So on the Night of the Full Moon they have the Celestial Ball. Naturally, Audrina wears orange (gross) and Susannah didn’t have anything to wear until her fairies literally made her a dress from the sky.

I wish I had fairies to make me gorgeous dresses from the constellations…

She and Christopher dance and it’s all good until midnight, when the clock strikes twelve and it’s time for the FINAL RIDDLE. (Now I know at this point you really want me to come up with some riddles, but I am just not clever or creative enough for that right now, so just imagine that this one is a doozy.)  Audrina answers first and her answer is just not good enough, and then Susannah answers and she’s right BUT before she and Chris can kiss and celebrate and Susannah gets the tree-saving answer she is looking for Audrina goes batshit crazy. Turns out, she’s a secret sorceress and that’s why she has a toad so she turns yelling curses all over the place and it’s a SUPER SORCERY STRUGGLE between Queen Mabel and Audrina (kind of like Molly Weasley and Bellatrix) until Mabel wins and Audrina is turned into stone and thrown into the ocean where only mermaids can find her. So Susannah learns how to save the trees and she’s reunited with her father, who comes to live at the castle. And Susannah and Christopher get married, and live a long life in a castle with lots of trees and gardens and children and fairies. So basically, they live happily ever after.

Every fairy tale needs a wedding dress at the end.

THE END.

P.S. If you have suggestions for riddles, let me know, because I am fresh out of ideas.

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2 thoughts on “So, I wrote a cracked out fairy-tale…

  1. Ohmygosh I LOVE RIDDLES. Here are some of my favorites:

    What flies forever, rests never?

    What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you?

    What is gentle enough to soothe the skin, light enough to caress the sky, and hard enough to crack rocks?

    What does man love more than life,
    Fear more than death or mortal strife,
    What do the poor have, and the rich require,
    And what do contented men desire,
    What the miser spends,
    And the spendthrift saves,
    And all men carry to their graves?

    Remove the outside.
    Cook the inside.
    Eat the outside.
    Throw away the inside.

    He has one
    And a person has two,
    A citizen has three
    And a human being has four.
    A personality has five,
    And an inhabitant of earth has six.

    A word I know, six letters it contains
    Subtract just one and twelve remains.

    • Riddle #1: Time?
      Riddle #3: Water. Or Air.
      I’m stumped on the others so far! But then again, I’m not Princess Susannah. Riddles aren’t really my thing.

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