In which I rant against Julianne Moore for unknown reasons

For reasons unknown even to myself, I cannot stand Julianne Moore. I think I don’t like her voice. And her nose. And maybe her general aura of “I’m a four time Oscar-nominee, byotch.” It doesn’t bother me when other actors promenade around with their accolades, but with her, I’m just like “What did you do to deserve this? Do you think you are the American Kate Winslet, where every time you get naked and emote vaguely in a movie you will receive an Oscar nomination? Do you think fifth time will be the charm for you too?” THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. Kate Winslet is a cinema goddess who has shown the vast realm of human emotion and angst and she even almost drowned on a giant boat, so those two are not even CLOSE. Sure, there was that one dream sequence in “The Hours” where Julianne’s  hotel room was flooded, but that does not count. No giant boat, no Leo, no icy water. Her character just hadn’t read The Feminine Mystique yet.

Speaking of “The Hours”, Julianne ruins every movie she is in for me. I liked Laura Brown in the book. I did. But then she came along and kissed Toni Collette and made a birthday cake twice, and now I fast-forward through all her scenes because I can’t stand them. Seriously. Her characters are so selfish. Jules in “The Kids are All Right” was tolerable only because I was allowed to dislike her. “Far from Heaven” just made me sad that Dennis Quaid was fictionally married to her. Don’t even get me started about her guest appearances on “30 Rock”. Jack Donaghy, you KNOW better. And now she’s playing Sarah Palin. I have so many things to mock now. This probably makes me a bad person. I don’t even know Julianne. But something about her grates on my nerves.

It helps that she played Ariel in the Disney Dreams Portrait Series by Annie Leibovitz. Everyone who knows me well knows how much I dislike mermaids, so this just fits. Although maybe that’s why Julianne and I don’t get along? She played a mermaid and I just can’t forgive that? Sure, we’ll go with that. Because that picture is pretty okay. I mean, Michael Phelps, the epitome of male swimming hunkitude, is in it. That’s got to count for something.

Even the presence of Michael Phelps does not make this less of a nightmare.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about her questionable fashion choices. It must be said that at 51, Julianne is aging quite well. But girl doesn’t know how to dress herself. Do we need to talk about this?

Oh JuMo…just say no to shoulder mold.

This just makes me think that she really is trying to turn into a mermad:

I don’t even understand the concept behind this.

And then this happened:

The sleeves and the shoes and the wide-eyed stare…I feel like she’s trying to tell us something.

And finally this, which is just unforgivable:

I really just can’t.

I have more evidence, but I think the jury gets the picture.

I can’t be the only person with irrational vitriol against a certain individual they are unlikely to meet. Surely other people have a similar disdain for Tom Cruise or Beyonce or Owen Wilson (although who am I kidding? Everyone loves Owen Wilson.) I can’t be the only one who can’t stand certain people. We should form a club. The Inexplicable Celebrity Non-Fan Club. We’ll definitely need to work on the name though. That’s kind of long and wordy for a t-shirt.

So, there you have it. I’ve tried to move past this grudge by watching “Crazy Stupid Love” but then Ms. Moore dumped Steve Carell and took up with Kevin Bacon instead. This is unforgivable. Although she did name her daughter (played by Emma Stone) Hannah. So there’s one point for the mermaid. Julianne Moore, we need to talk. Maybe once I see that you are a very nice, unselfish and un-mermaid-like lady in person, I can move past this and focus my energies on something else. Like  learning how to knit.  Or world peace. And maybe you can also help me meet Meryl Streep. I feel that Meryl, like Oprah, could help me solve all my problems and bring direction and purpose to my life. But that’s another story for another day.

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