The Best Friend Manifesto

I, Hannah, being of reasonably sound mind and possessed of a well-developed sense of humor, do hereby outline my rights and responsibilities* as your best friend. It’s for the good of everyone, but mostly for the good of us.

  • If we go on a road trip, I drive, you navigate. This is for the safety and entertainment of everyone, because I’ll fall asleep if not driving, so then you’ll be lonely, and any way, if I’m navigating, we’re going to spend most of our time being lost. However, I will not complain when you point out perfectly obvious stop signs or red lights halfway down the block. I get it, you’re making sure we’re both safe.
  • I will always have gum. Same goes with hand sanitizer, spare ponytail holders and band-aids.
  • If you’re at my place, and there’s only one of something, you get it. Even if it’s the last one and it’s my favorite thing.
  • I will keep you constantly supplied with new books to read.
  • My car is your car. You know where I keep the extra key, just let me know you’re taking it and be back within 24 hours.
  • If you are staying at my place, and my bed is only a twin, you get it. I’ll sleep on the floor. Or the couch. This has not been the case in the past, but it’s in the manifesto now, so deal with it.
  • When you are sick, I will bring you “School of Rock” and “Notting Hill”, make you tea and chicken soup, and stay with you until you fall asleep.
  • If I read an article I think you’ll like, I’ll send it to you. Even if it’s in the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue. I can buy a new copy, but I can’t buy a new best friend.
  • I will listen to every cd you make me at least once, even though I have very specific music tastes.
  • I will answer my phone every time you call. If I can’t answer it, I’ll call you back as soon as I can and spend the first three minutes apologizing.
  • If you are acting like a crazy person for whatever reason, I will not point it out, however gently. I know you just need to vent, and I am here for you.
  • My family is your family. They think so too, so feel free to call or stop by any time to get advice from my mom or talk about vegetables and books with my dad.
  • If we are watching a tv show at the same time in different places, it makes perfect sense for us to be texting, im-ing or talking on the phone.
  • If offered, I will accept godmothership of your children even if they are not named for me. Although “Annie”, “Hans”, “Henry”, and “Frances” are all acceptable replacements.
  • If you are stranded somewhere—a party, a diner, the White House—text me QUESADILLA and an address and I will come get you, no questions asked.
  • All desserts will be shared equally, no matter who orders them.
  • I will always love you more than my luggage.

*Inspired by Mindy Kaling and Rachel Bertsche

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