I spend a lot of time thinking about what my life would be like if I were a superhero. If I were a superhero, my name would be Moxie Crimefighter or Jill of All Knowledge. I’d drive a Vespa that would change colors to match my nail polish and mood and my outfit would be a cooler version of my high school uniform, simply because I felt awesome every time I wore it. The one thing I get stuck on is what my superpower would be. Mental and physical agility are pretty obvious, but that just seems to come from drinking the superhero Kool-aid, so let’s just assume that those are included with the cape and move on. I mean, every superhero has something that makes them unique—so what would mine be? Here are some thoughts.
- The ability to find my car in crowded parking lots. No, I don’t have a panic button. Nelly the Dream Wagon came to me from another home, and that was not included. And yes, I always park near landmarks, but I can never remember what they are. Nelly is utterly unremarkable on the outside, except for her fifteen bumper stickers, so I usually walk out of Target and stand there for a good three minutes. So, instantly knowing where she was would be pretty spectacular.
- The ability to look at the food in my refrigerator and have it make itself into a meal. Yes, I enjoy cooking. But I am a grad student and I have no time for such things. I also sometimes let the pot boil over and forget about things in the oven until alarms start going off.
- Healing powers. These would be dope, because then I could help myself and others. But I once walked chin-first into a door, and my ankle has been known to spontaneously start bleeding, so it might be handy to be my own walking first-aid kit. I also get colds quite a bit, and they are terrible and I hate them and it takes me forever to stop coughing, so it would be nice to not get those anymore.
- Polyglot. I speak English, French, and sleep-talking. It would be nice to be able to converse in Swedish, Egpytian, ASL or Squirrel off the cuff.
- The ability to record dreams. So, the thing I most want from the world of Harry Potter is the Pensieve, because the idea of being able to relive memories is cool to me (I am a history student. It comes with the territory.) But really, I’d love to be able to re-watch my dreams. The other night I dreamed my mom and I were on the way to my wedding, but we had to stop at a food truck rally to pick a caterer. (I hope we went with tacos and barbecue.) We also trekked to like five different tiny country Wisconsin churches while lugging this dress around in a garment bag (I never thought a navy-blue Monique Lhuillier would be my thing, but okay) but I kept changing my mind on the church. Meanwhile, the groom kept changing—apparently I really wanted to be surprised. I’ve also dreamed that my uncle rented a lava truck for a family reunion, that I was kidnapped and changed my name to Prudence to hide my identity from my captors and that I was in a Russian airport. I would like to watch all of these again because I seemed to have fun in all of them.
- Teleportation and its opposite powers of Summoning and Shunning. You know when you’re stuck somewhere and you are talking to a really awful person or potted plant and you just wish you could be somewhere else? And as soon as you think it, you are? Yeah, that’s cool. I guess teleportation is cool, but I like road trips too much to use it very often. What I really want is the power to send the awful people away—shun them, so to speak. OR if you’re somewhere that you have to be, but you’re lonely, like the DMV or in an airport, you could summon a friend who’s not too busy to hang out with while you wait.
- Rapid Hair Transformation. I’m cool with my hair color, but sometimes, I want my pixie cut back. Or no bangs. Or my ubiquitous perfect messy bun from high school. So, being able to just think a hairstyle would be fun. Also, maybe this way I’d be able to get my hair to curl and stay that way.
- Excellent dance moves. I took ballet for eleven years, and I can bop along with the best of them. But I’d really love for Fred Astaire to be able to just waltz up to me and away we would go, without me tripping on my dress or knocking Fred unconscious with my flailing arms. Together, Fred and I would be unstoppable.
So, those are the superpowers I’m considering. Of course—I’m always open to new options so if you have ideas made of awesome, send them my way. Also, ten points to the house of your choice (15 points if it’s Ravenclaw) to the person who draws me as a superhero to put in this post. Because that is another power I do not have and that I’m considering—artistic ability. Ask me about the time I drew a penguin and it ended up looking like a vacuum cleaner. Although, I guess every superhero does have a weakness. Maybe that’s mine. Oh, and telling twins and Kardashians apart. I can’t do that either. Eh, well. I’m only human.