*Read with caution—here there be spoilers.*
I’m not usually much of a conspiracy theorist. But for the past seven years, I’ve had a lingering suspicion and I’m here to tell you that it was just confirmed for me tonight while watch ABC between 9-10pm EST.
Shonda Rhimes, by way of “Grey’s Anatomy”, is trying to kill me.
Or drive me insane. Or give me 24 successive heart attacks, one for each episode of the season. Ever since I walked into our family room in 2006 to find Denny Duquette proposing to Izzy Stevens, only to later watch with horror as he died while she rode up the elevator in a rose-colored prom dress, I have been hooked on this show. The doctors and patient of Seattle Grace/Seattle Grace-Mercy West/Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital/whatever they’re calling that building this week are my people, and on Thursday nights, I am there. In high school, I used to race home from ballet class to have my mother or a friend catch me up on the seven minutes I missed. I’ve run across my college campus from meetings and lectures in order not to miss it, with my roommate seeing me from the window and waving her sheaf of notes at me to get me to hurry, because something crazy and life-changing is happening for these doctors. I don’t go out that often on Thursday nights, unless there’s no new episode. This may seem strange and unnecessary, but that would describe a lot of my life.
But seriously—“Grey’s Anatomy.” What.Is.Happening, Shonda? Why you want to hurt my people every.single.season.? What is up with that? Why do Owen and Cristina never get to be together happily for longer than eleven episodes? Why can’t Meredith have a normal delivery, instead of going into labor during a superstorm, when all the power goes out and her baby is in an abnormal position that day after she falls so she has to have a C-section in a dark operating room where Bailey Shepherd doesn’t originally cry so Derek goes with him to the NICU while her intern, Ross, sews her up until they discover she’s hemorrhaging from her fall and she talks him through it until losing consciousness and Miranda Bailey comes in and saves the day with a splenectomy and then the Grey-Shepherd family is whole again for a while? Why was Jackson Avery still wearing his shirt when he emerged unscathed like a goddamned hero from the flaming wreckage of a bus crash in the rain carrying a little girl? Why are you making Arizona and Callie have the sads? And why OH WHY OH WHY did you leave Dr. Richard Webber lying unconscious (or dead, I don’t know, you tell me) next to a fuse box in the dark with Bailey, his student, best friend, work wife, and/or daughter (it’s a complicated relationship), looking for him so they can reconcile and get back to being awesome together? Because if he dies, I may never forgive you.
But just because I won’t forgive you doesn’t mean I won’t watch. Oh no. I will keep watching until the end screen of the series finale, be that next season or eleven seasons hence. As I ranted to my father earlier this evening, “I can’t stop watching the show until I know that everything is going to be okay. And at the end of every season, they are not okay. They are alone in the woods, or they are recovering from a shooting, or they are standing in a wedding dress alone, or George is dead. And tonight, it looks like a bunch of things are going to explode, literally and figuratively, so I must watch. And have feelings. Because Shonda is a sadist but I love it and I can’t stop watching until the end and everyone and everything is okay.” And then I ran back into the family room with a bowl of ice cream to help me through the last 27 minutes.
Now you may be thinking:
But this is not one of those times. Because it’s Thursday night.
So, dance it out, if you have to.
But my Thursday nights, for the foreseeable future, will be spent hanging out with my people. Cristina Yang is the bomb, and she and Owen will work it out and be happy. Meredith Grey is the mom now, and Derek is still dreamy. Bailey continues to be awesome, Alex seems to have found someone who is just as broken as he is and maybe they can fix each other. Callie and Arizona WILL make it through, and Jackson and April will have beautiful children. (Because if I can’t marry him, then April should. It’s only fair.) This will come to pass. Because so help me if my people are not okay, Shonda will have to answer to some ranty emails from yours truly.