There is nothing I love more than a good name. Seriously. I love ‘em. When I was a kid, I used to spend hours with my grandmother’s dictionary, which had a collection of names and their meanings in the back. I’d pour over these names, making lists of my favorites (for both girls and boys) and my least favorites, and the ones who all came from the same root word, and the ones who all meant the same thing and well, you get the picture. I love my own name, Hannah, as it has a very special story behind it, so I feel that names are super important. And, as this summer marks the birth of not one but TWO majorly famous offspring, I feel that I am uniquely qualified to offer my services as Official Baby Namer.
“Now, Hannah,” you might ask, “Which two famous couples are having babies this summer? I can think of one, but not the other.”
Well, the first is obvious—William and Kate (oops, Catherine), Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. This little bundle, boy or girl, will eventually inherit the British Crown and rule as “by the Grace of God Queen/King of this Realm and of Her/His other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith”, and will also get a whole Wikipedia page of other titles and styles. So, this name? SUPER IMPORTANT. But don’t worry, I am all over it.
Now, the second is a little more obscure. It’s not like one half of this couple is part of a media empire that no one can explain, or if the other one is still remembered for that time he defended Beyonce in the face of Taylor Swift and all of MTV. Still stumped? It’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. (Bet you didn’t see that one coming.) Now, this baby girl has already been born and named (spoiler alert) North aka Nori. It’s not as outlandish as some celebrity baby names, but it still has me flummoxed for one reason: Why not Knorth? It’s a legitimate question. Kim and Kanye, Kris and Khloe and Kourtney and the rest of the Kardashian Klan all have K names. Why is little baby Nori to be ostracized? The rumored names, Kaidence Donda and Klementine Star, made perfect sense, but alas for cardinal directions. I would have been happy to provide a full list of excellent potential names to the parents to be, had I been consulted. In fact, soon after I heard about Baby Girl Kimye’s birth, I provided my friend Liz Fudge with such a list.
Here are some winners:
- Kathleen Kristonda
- Kristal Kanary
- Korona Kamille
- Kayak Kanoe
- Kosette Kanteen
- Kora Kabana
- Knirvana Knicola
And of course, my personal favorite: Knorth Karolina. At the very least, we should have discussed spelling.
Ellen DeGeneres obviously sees my point of view.
But enough nonsense. It’s time to get serious, so back to the Royal Baby.
These two lovebugs are having a baby, and boy, is this kid going to end up with something awesome. No offense to North, but she doesn’t even have a middle name that I know of, and between the two of them, William and Catherine have four. And because this is the child that will be king or queen, they probably can’t pull a Peter Phillips, who named his daughters Savannah and Isla, even though they’re twelfth and thirteenth in the line of succession. But whatever they name this kid for reals, you can bet it’s going to be epic and classy and historical and familial and ecumenical and grammatical. Apparently, there are bets being placed on what name will be chosen, but here are my suggestions. You may tweet them at the Royal Family on my behalf as I do not twitter, and if any of these in any incarnation show up on the birth certificate of the wee bairn, you better believe I’ll take the credit.
- Philip Charles William George—all family names, and there’s never been a King Philip. This is my favorite, and of all the iterations I’ve thought of, the most likely.
- Andrew Alexander Albert Arthur—Please. Please.
- Philip Michael William James—Eh. Lukewarm feelings.
- Edward Charles Henry Alexander—King Edward IX. Done.
- Christopher Rupert Windermere Vladimir Carl Alexander Francois Reginald Lancelot Herman Gregory James—oops, I’m thinking of another royal family.
- Caroline Elizabeth Frances Anne—Unlikely, but Caroline is the female version of Charles, and is a version of Catherine’s mother’s name, Carole. Frances is also Princess Diana’s middle name.
- Elizabeth Diana Caroline Alice—Probably the most likely.
- Elizabeth Marguerite Alexandra Catherine—Great-grandmother, great-great-grandmother, and mother. Sorry, Carole and Diana.
- Victoria Louise Adelaide Helen—A blast from the Victorian past.
- Margaret Alexandra Anne Rose—They can call her Hannah for short.
Now, I picked mostly family names. They could just as easily name the baby Jacob, or Isabella, the top American baby names in 2012, or Oliver or Lily, two of the top in Great Britain. Maximilian, Imogen, Gemma, Wendy, Colin, Igor—nothing should stop them from picking a name they like to display on an easel in front of Buckingham Palace for all the world to see. No matter what, it will be exciting, and joyful, and surprising. Just like babies, the best things in the whole world. I just hope the name is easy to sing.
P.S. If Penn Jillette is reading this, I just want to say that your daughter’s name, Moxie Crimefighter, is my favorite famous offspring name of all time. Seriously. It’s awesome.