An Open Letter to the United States Postal Service

*I’ve decided that my version of Throwback Thursday is posting something I wrote when I was goofing off during a class in college. Apparently,  I don’t doodle, I scribble. This one’s been sitting in a bowl on my coffee table since the last time I cleaned off my desk and is dated September 2, 2011. Let’s see what I was thinking.*

Dear United States Postal Service,

You never cease to amaze me. I put a little sticker with rough edges and the picture of a strange invention or former senator/astronaut or the Liberty Bell on something I’d like to share with a friend, and two or three days later, it arrives on their doorstep. Kudos to you! I can’t even imagine sorting a million dozen pieces of mail, but you do this every day.

And the mail trucks–THE MAIL TRUCKS. I’ve got to say, I miss them. Don’t get me wrong–the vans are snazzy. But the mail trucks were just as iconic as your grey pants of some indeterminate material and the short-sleeved pin striped shirts. Gosh, those are cool. And let’s be honest–the episode of Project Runway where they had to redesign your uniforms was THE BEST one.

You’ll mail ANYTHING, too. Well, anything within reason. Forget owls–you have trucks missing a door with the COOLEST federal logo on it. Or you did. (Maybe I have stronger feelings about the vans than I thought.) I mean–“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of  night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” We have Herodotus to thank for the phrasing, but you to thank for the doing. A couple years ago, when my hometown had a giant ice storm, my bank statements and coupons STILL showed up as the USPS calmly scooted about while the rest of the city frantically purchased their milk and bread. And for that, I tip my hat to you.

You understand what I need, United States Postal Service. You know that I need pre-paid boxes and mailers. You provide an excuse to buy cute stationery. You teach me everything I need to know about statehood anniversaries, the Chinese New Year, Composers of the 20th century, and the U.S.S. Constitution all from STAMPS. (Side note: I love your stamps. How does one get to help choose them?) I know stamps keep getting more expensive, but I don’t have to remember exactly what stamps are worth because now most of them last FOREVER. This is a brilliant development. Bravo. I mean, I found some 32-cent stampus that last time I cleaned by desk, but by now those are collector’s items, probably. (Can you tell me if that’s true? They had blueberries on them.)

Oh, United States Postal Service, I love that you have a museum with a taxidermied Railway dog as your mascot. I love that the Postmaster General, an office first filled by Benjamin Franklin. I love that this post is randomly the second-highest paid job in the federal government. I’d really love to be the first female Postmaster General, if that’s okay. (It’s not for the money, I promise–it’s because of the aforementioned choosing of stamps and pin-striped shirts.) I like reading about the history of ZIP codes and your very detailed FAQ page. In short, United States Postal Service, I am your biggest fan. Carry on being standardized and speedy. With you, every day is a special delivery.



P.S. Did anyone else tear up watching this? Nope, just me?


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